The Trashy and Most Incest House Of Black
by of-convoluted-disillusion
Summary: In which even Prongs is amazed by the lenghts to which Padfoot will go in his quest to drive his family insane. I suck at summaries. Please R & R. Rated T for language.


**Hey everyone! Here's another short Marauder-era fanfic I wrote a few weeks ago. I don't really think it's that great, but maybe you'll like it more than I do. (remember to let me know if you do!)**

**Disclaimer: Quite obviously,I am not JK Rowling. Logic tells me this means I do not own Harry Potter. Yeah, that's right, logic, rub it in. I don't own the characters or anything, I'm just borrowing them.**

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**The Trashy and Most Incest House of Black**

"BLACK!"

Sirius froze mid-step on his way out of the Great Hall. Beside him, James turned around to see where the voice was coming from.

"Is she after me or Reg?" Sirius asked him, though he knew the answer.

James clapped him on the shoulder. "Have a guess, mate."

Sure enough, when Sirius turned around, Professor McGonagall was striding towards him, looking furious. James gave him a sympathetic smile.

"Good luck," he said.

Sirius put on his most charming smile and sauntered towards McGonagall with his arms spread wide in greeting. James followed, trying not to look guilty. After all, whatever Sirius had done, he'd probably played an important role.

"Professor!" he said grandly. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

McGonagall eyed him coldly. "Professor Slughorn has just informed me of the most curious circumstances in which your brother found himself this morning."

"Did he, now?" Sirius asked, allowing himself to sound mildly uninterested.

McGonagall scowled. "Watch your attitude, or it'll be detention."

"Sorry, ma'am," Sirius grinned impishly at her. The look on her face gave James the impression that she was trying very hard to resist smacking Sirius with the book in her hands.

"When your brother entered his common room this morning, he was met by many Slytherins informing him that someone had paid insult to his family. Wishing to investigate further, he followed their directions, and found himself in the dungeon corridor. Do either of you know what he found there?"

"No," James said, genuinely confused. He went to exchange a baffled look with Sirius, but to his surprise, Sirius looked as though he were suppressing a smile.

"Perhaps Mr Black could tell you," McGonagall suggested, as Sirius assumed a look of wide eyed innocence that would have been far more effective if McGonagall didn't see it every other day.

Sirius shrugged. "No idea," he said. The lie was so convincing that again, McGonagall might have believed it if she didn't know Sirius.

"He saw his family emblem painted on the dungeon wall- or rather, an 'improved' version which involved the two hounds assuming a _far _more intimate position."

James raised an eyebrow at Sirius, who was, for his part, still managing to look curious rather than guilty.

"Is that so?" he asked.

"The emblem was also labelled, Mr Black," McGonagall said, watching Sirius carefully. "Do you need me to tell you what it said?"

"That'd be mighty gracious of you, ma'am."

James had no idea how Sirius was managing to keep such a straight face- if it was him he'd be pissing himself by now.

McGonagall raised her eyebrows, clearly not impressed with the attempt at charm.

"It said 'the Trashy and Most Incest House of Black'," she said drily. "If I recall correctly, the correct phrasing is 'the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black'. I was not aware that this had changed."

James snorted. McGonagall glowered at him.

"Sorry, Professor," he said, laughing. "What about the motto?"

"What?"

"The Black family motto is something or other that translates as 'always pure.' What did that say?"

McGonagall opened her mouth, but Sirius interrupted.

"Ugly whores," he said.

"Am I to assume that you take full responsibility for the graffiti?" McGonagall asked.

Sirius nodded. He opened his mouth to explain, but McGonagall held up a hand.

"Do you really think you can talk yourself out of this?" she challenged.

Sirius shook his head. "Oh, no, Professor," he said. "Not at all! I just want to explain myself."

McGonagall looked like she was seriously considering not hearing him out. Finally she nodded and gestured for him to talk.

"Go on then," she said reluctantly.

Sirius beamed. "Well, you see Minerva, the thing is- I can call you Minerva, right?"

McGonagall eyeballed him, looking murderous.

"That's a no, then," Sirius muttered. "Anyway," he continued brightly, "the thing is, my parents are second cousins. Did you know that?"

"Yes," McGonagall replied. "You have told me on numerous occasions, Mr Black, and I have told you each time that you cannot use that as an excuse for your abysmal behaviour."

"Well, I was merely explaining that nothing I wrote on that wall was inaccurate," Sirius said.

"Be that as it may," McGonagall said, "it is a scandalous and inappropriate thing to do. Your brother is most offended, and has written to your parents."

"Oh, how terrifying," Sirius said sarcastically.

James, who disliked Sirius' parents almost as much as Sirius did, smirked. "Fat lot of good they can do, eh Pads? What with you totally still living with them and everything."

"Well, they could always send me a letter calling me a blood traitor and a useless brat," Sirius said thoughtfully. "But they do that twice a week anyway."

McGonagall cleared her throat. "Mr Black, I advise you now that if that horrendous disfigurement of this castle is not removed next time I fancy a venture to the dungeons, the consequences will be severe."

"Wait, you're not giving me detention?" Sirius looked surprised.

McGonagall stared at the two of them for a moment before walking away rather quickly. James suddenly became suspicious that she was trying not to laugh.

"Come on, Padfoot," he said. "Let's get rid of that 'horrendous disfigurement' before McGonagall has you scrubbing toilets or something."

"We scrubbed the toilets last week," Sirius reminded him. "She won't make us do that until they're nice and filthy again. Mind you, she'll probably find something worse, so yeah. Let's get rid of it."

James noticed a very evil gleam appearing in Sirius' eyes.

"What are you planning?" he asked suspiciously.

Sirius grinned. "She said to get rid of the current graffiti. She didn't say I couldn't replace it."

"What are you going to write?" James asked.

"I'm thinking something like 'Regulus sucks' or Severus Snape is a loser'. Or maybe a combination of both. What do you think?"

"I think I should check Moony's mattress to see if you've drunk the rest of our firewhiskey. That is, if he didn't pour it out the window when he found out we were hiding it there," James replied, putting an arm around his shoulders as they headed for the dungeons.

"I thought we agreed that I'm insane, not drunk," Sirius said.

James shrugged. "Doesn't mean you never drink," he retorted. "What was going through your head when you came up with that one?" he added.

Sirius considered this for a moment, choosing his words carefully. "My exact thoughts were something like 'there'll be hell to pay when McGonagall finds out about this. Where does Wormtail keep his paints?'"

"You're insane," James informed him.

"And you love me for it," Sirius replied smoothly. James smacked him playfully on the back of the head.

"I've got to admit, though," he said. "That was a damn good one, mate. No matter what happens from this point forward, I will forever think of your family as the Trashy and Most Incest House of Black."

_Fin._


End file.
